UU Humour

While spirituality is a serious business, Unitarian Universalists enjoy poking fun at themselves.  Here are some samples of our humour.

Why can't UUs sing very well in choirs?  Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the words.

What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah's Witness?  Somebody who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?  We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb. Present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

A visitor to a Unitarian Universalist congregation sat through the sermon with growing incredulity at the heretical ideas being spouted. After the sermon a UU asked the visitor, "So how did you like it?"  "I can't believe half the things that minister said!" sputtered the visitor in outrage. "Oh, good,” the UU said, “then you'll fit right in!"

A woman engaged to a UU goes into a fabric store and asks the clerk for some soft lacy material for her wedding night nightgown. The clerk says, "You’ll need about two yards.”  The woman says, "Oh no, I’lll need fifty."  The clerk is astonished. “Fifty? But that’s way too much!"  The woman replies, "I know, but my fiance is a Unitarian and he would rather seek than find."

During a UU Religious Exploration class, the teacher asked if anyone could explain what Easter was.  A little boy said, "Easter is that time of year when the whole family gathers around a table with a turkey to give thanks for the blessings of a good harvest."  The teacher said, "Very good, but that is a description of Thanksgiving. Does anyone know what Easter is?"  A Little girl said, "Easter is that time of the year when the family all gathers around a tree to sing carols and put decorations on the tree and they all give presents." The teacher said, "Well, maybe a bit closer, but not quite.  Anyone else?" Another little girl knew the answer. "It is the time after Jesus died when the stone at his grave was rolled back, and Jesus started to go up to heaven and looked back down and saw his shadow and went back in for six more weeks."

A Hindu, a Jew, and a UU were travelling one night in bad weather. They started looking for shelter and found a farmhouse.  The farmer told them he had a guest room but it would accommodate only two people.  One would have to sleep in the barn.  The Hindu, the Jew, and the UU drew straws to see who would go to the barn. The Hindu came up short and went to the barn.  The Jew and UU were getting ready for bed when a knock came on the bedroom door. It was the Hindu who said, "There's a cow in the barn, and I know he's being bred for slaughter. That just doesn't sit well with my faith."  Since the Jew had drawn the next shorter straw, he went to the barn. The Hindu and UU were about to climb into bed when there was another knock came at the door. It was the Jew. "There's a pig out there, and knowing my dietary restrictions and the fact that that pig is obviously being bred for market, I just can't stay out there." So the UU said, "That's okay. I'll go out. I should have volunteered in the first place, knowing your concerns."  He left and headed to the barn. The Hindu and the Jew were just about to turn out the light when a third knock came at the door. It was the cow and the pig. . .

I am The Very Model of a Modern Unitarian:

By Christopher Gist Raible
Sung to "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" from "Pirates of Penzance"

I am the very model of a modern Unitarian,
Far broader than a Catholic, Hindu, Jew or Presbyterian.
I know the world's religions and can trace their roots historical
From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with theories theological,
On existential questions I am always wholly logical,
About most any problem I am teeming with a lot of views,
I'm full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.

(Chorus members:
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty empty pews.)

I quote from Freud and Jung and all the experts psychological.
I'm anti nuke, I don't pollute I'm chastely ecological.
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian.

(Chorus members:
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of a modern Unitarian.)

I use the latest language; God is never Father or the Lord,
But Ground of Being, Source of Life or almost any other word.
I never pray, I meditate, I'm leary about worshipping.
I serve on 10 committees none of which accomplish anything.
I give to worthy causes and I drive a gas conserving car,
I have good UU principles (although I'm not sure what they are).
I'm open to opinions of profound or broad variety,
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.

(Chorus members:
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous pie-piety.)

I formulate agendas and discuss them with the best of 'em,
But don't ask me to implement, we leave that to the rest of 'em.In short in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of today's religious liberal.

(Chorus members:
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of today's religious liberal.)

The Unitarian Jihad: by Jon Carroll, The San Francisco Chronicle, April 8, 2005

The following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at the Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have received this message, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial, or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting.

"Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

"Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

"People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

"We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

"Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

"We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

"We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

"Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

"People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution."